Mom Jeans

I tried on a pair of "Mom Jeans" the other day. By accident. If you've read some of my prior posts, you'll know I'm not the skinny, young chap I used to be before Poops came along and I'm working feverishly to change that. So every once in a while, even if the scale has moved only one tick, I grab a billion pairs of Levis and try them on, just to see if maybe I've dropped a size even though it didn't really show up on the scale. You know, maybe I've lost inches. By the way, I love Levis because they fit me really well as a short person. So that's what I did the other day. I picked out 5 or 6 pairs of jeans in "Boot Cut" "Short", all in size huge, but not in size huger, because remember I'm convinced I've dropped down to just a size huge. So there I am, in the fitting room, with all these jeans, trying one at a time. It's always so darn hot in there. So now I'm sweating too. And I notice in one particular pair, they're really, really high above my waist. And I feel funny and I'm looking in the mirror with my head sideways, thinking, "Why are these so high???" They were wayyyyy under my shirt, it was like pregnancy-jeans but no stretchy material, just all jean. Then I look at the tag, which says "sits at waist" but really what they mean is "sits right below your boobs". And I realize in horror, I'm wearing "Mom Jeans." And there was something about that moment, that made my worlds collide, like I was somehow destined to try those jeans on because of the phase of life I now am in. Like the world of "Mom Jeans" was somehow reaching out to me, trying to lure me into their world and that next I was going to get the "new mom" haircut that you don't have to blowdry and stop caring about wearing cute shoes. Was this where I was headed? Was the world of housecoats next for me? I shuddered and took them off immediately in violent protest. Then I looked at the other jeans that I grabbed and breathed a sigh of relief when I read "sits below waist" on them. Which, let's face it, really isn't below the waist, it really just means, "sits where you would want it to if you're single or married without kids". Which is the fit I prefer for now. Even with a kid.