Our Little Grain of Rice

I felt like Rachel from Friends in the ultrasound yesterday because I couldn't see the little peanut no matter how hard I looked. I have three other pictures but I think this is the one where I can make it out. The sonogram tech was funny, when I couldn't make out the baby in the picture, she said, just look for the blinking light. That was the tiny heartbeat. The baby's only about the size of a grain of rice. So tiny, with a heartbeat. It was so beautiful. We had the rest of the three hour appointment, and I remembered how much I hate pap smears, and I asked all my questions about the possibility of a recurrence of pre-eclampsia, and early birth and all of that, all the questions I knew all the answers to already, which are of course, we'll have to wait and see. I wish everything went perfectly for the rest of the day. I would have blogged about this eagerly awaited sonogram-day sooner, but I was really upset last night. I started bleeding a little when I was out at dinner last night, significantly enough for me to call the doctor about it. She said it could be nothing, that many women have gone on to have happy, wonderful pregnancies and something like this could just be a fluke. But it also could be a warning sign and I will just have to sit and wait to see what happens. It is a terrible wait. I have already cried and prayed and begged for this little peanut to stay with us. It is too hard for me to think that one moment there is a living, tiny heartbeat inside me and the next minute there may not be. But I have turned my faith over to God on this Good Friday and I will continue to hope for the best. Whichever way that goes, I will have to find peace with. Things seem to be a little better today, so God willing, it really may be nothing. But I won't lie. I'm worried. I'm just going to take it easy today.